marcusharwell.net

Oh, to be Mentok.

I’m trying not to be angry, really. Someone I care about asked for space while he went through a rough emotional patch. Great; I was happy to give him the room. I assumed he wanted to be left alone by everyone, but that’s not still the case. It’s five weeks later, and I found out he came into town before Halloween for a few days, stayed with a friend who took over his old apartment, and hung out in West Hollywood. He still hasn’t contacted me. This is someone I feel close to, who I’ve expended a lot of effort to keep in my life, and it feels like we’re out of balance, that I’m not getting back what I gave. I am hurt.

I keep thinking maybe I’m being bitchy, that he doesn’t owe it to me to check in with me, or give me heads up first among his friends. I want to overlook my own feelings, give him the benefit of the doubt, and leave him alone to come around in his own time. That’s what, intellectually, I want my attitude to be. It just isn’t.

I don’t know his motivations or reasons, since I’m not inside his head. If and when he wants to let me back into his life, I’ll be there, without reservation. But I can’t help being hurt now, wondering what value my friendship has. I let him in, far enough that being pushed aside irritates me, so maybe I need a little recovery time, too.

General friendship