Marry Me John, I’ll Be So Good to You
Man, I am digging St. Vincent.
It occurs to me that a lot of friends have left me in the course of my life. They or I have moved away, and there are probably a few more casual friends who have just lost touch. But I think most of the friends with whom I used to be close stopped making an effort to stay in touch when the distance was greater than it afforded a regular face-to-face meet-up.
Friendship is the most important thing in life to me. It takes me a long time to get close to people, in general, and when I do, I don’t let go easily. While friends have occasionally abandoned me, I can’t think of a time I’ve done the same. Though there have been times when the relationship changed on its own, and the loss of closeness was more a “growing apart” than a breakup. I hesitated to use that term before, but losing a friend is quite similar to a couple’s dissolution. So having a primary importance on friends, a small circle I’d call my best friends, leads to a thrilling intimacy, a deep connection that is hard to let go of. It also hurts quite a lot when that connection is lost.
But, for me, the potential for pain is worth the risk. Deep friendship is a wonderful experience, unparalleled in human interaction. It makes for more joyous times, it makes for emotional security, it makes small things important. When I was 20, I sacrificed everything to stay with a friend who I thought needed me. When I could give no more and had to finally leave the situation or stay destitute and homeless, I felt broken. It hurt me terribly, and I went to stay with my grandparents to nurse my psychic wounds. My grandfather knew how much pain I was in, and I suppose he wanted to turn me from the path of cynicism I was headed toward. He said, “You gave everything you had, and you got burned. Okay. But it’s better to get burned sometimes than to lose your ability to love and to give.”
Maybe some of us desire so badly to get married because it means we get to hang on to our closest friend indefinitely. The friendship doesn’t have to end just because your buddy got a better job in New York, or his parents moved him to a new school. Maybe that’s why I like the concept of marriage as a partnership. It’s just a commitment to be with your best friend as long as possible, and you get to hang out permanently.
I’ll take that version of marriage over any religion’s.